one time too many.

i have so much things i wanna rant in this entry; much less to mention how long it has been since the last entry...

as the days are closing, the more distant i felt. Distant from what; i suppose... everything? i can even hardly know who i really am anymore.

does it always have to be closing to that very day of humanity for each individual, created by a Higher being looking from an unfathomable, dark and creepy air-less void, looking over our shoulders concerned; that it's when i struggle with self-esteem and wallow in my own pathetic pitiful life, brooding over and over and over again the same year, de javu occurance, and the year before and the year before and years back which were just bl**dy old, probably ancient pictures on the walls, gunshot out of that juicy brain of mine!

then a sudden, soft whisper in my heart, calmed the fiery soul, reminising the good old times i had with my grandpa, who probably rocking his chair now on fluffy clouds, smiling over his still-earth-bound family and how it was great then, to sit and dine together as a whole family on Chinese New Year, while Handy, the overly long hairy dog had to look up by the table with big black watery eyes, hoping someone would drop a couple of my grandma's deliciously cooked salted chicken, into his drooled mouth.

then it was the what-if moments, a penny for my little sister, whom i never get to see, nor even feel, in my mother's womb, which i found out in my later years that she was aborted due to medical conditions which would have gotten her worst as an individual if she would to see daylight. i know it had to be super hard a decision my parents had to make then. unfortunately, i do wish i had a little sister to bully, quarrel, you know; do the older brother-and-sister fights, but most of all, to love and protect her.

then it all came down to now...

coming to the 10th year, end of the year, as a born-again Christian, in an awesome, loving family i cannot ever ask more from God, doing my degree program, which i never thought i would make it this far but i love it, 'cites about signing up the Korean language course tomorrow, got a new laptop, lovin' fish like how my mum would weirdly remarked me as a pregnant woman, still single, but available, blessed with any form of love any single child could or possibly would want in his past 23 years of his life!

would i wanna struggle in self-esteem and gay-tear for my life? honestly?

i don't really care anymore... yeah, maybe some days i would, or not altogether... it doesn't make any difference...

'cos it ain't gonna change the fact, each year, i would be reminded of that very day i see daylight from that same womb, my sister was later conceived in, and that there is a Higher being, whether we like it or not, watching over us through that vast black holes to His footstool of Eden; that i wouldn't wanna waste my 24th year away hopelessly not achieving the dreams i have been dreaming, in that palm-sized head clothed warmly in a curb, 23 years ago.

it's about time, long-dued, for me to take charge, as a man and no longer as a boy, to awake from my slumber and be someone i should probably already be!

this is my resolve.